


Des pa sur la neige

by yououui



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Afterlife, Alternate Universe, Angst, Death, Fluff, M/M, Religion, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-10 10:38:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15947642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yououui/pseuds/yououui
Summary: He recites a prayer he has seen time and time again, a prayer that has been warned about, a prayer that shouldn’t be uttered. It feels like a wish in the way it rolls off his tongue, a wish for something he knows he can’t have. Time cannot go backwards; wrongdoings cannot be reversed. Still, Kurogane prays.





	Des pa sur la neige

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2018 KuroFai Olympics! The word prompt is Won, "The reluctance on a person's part to let go of an illusion."  
> I stepped in as a pinch hitter for this prompt, so it is a bit shorter than I had originally wanted since I did not have enough time to write it all. I still hope you enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> [Des pas sur la neige by Debussy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZpysYzdIrk)

It’s a cold night. Snow falls slowly outside, soft and romantic. If things had all gone right, they would be sitting in their small room, sipping sickeningly sweet hot drinks and playing games by the fire. But things did not go right. Life has been inverted. It feels like everything has been mirrored; it all looks the same, but opposite, similar enough that you can get by but different enough that you knock your hips into wrongly placed items.

Things are not as they should be, so Kurogane does not act as though they are. He closes the curtains on the snow, sits in candle light, and prays. He recites a prayer he has seen time and time again, a prayer that has been warned about, a prayer that shouldn’t be uttered. He never meant to say it, not really. He didn’t plan on it. He didn’t prepare for it. It just spilled from his lips as he begged for a sign, as he sat in denial and hoped for a different ending to something that is already over. He isn’t entirely sure if it is his own doing, or if it is being pulled out of him against his will.

It feels like a wish in the way it rolls off his tongue, a wish for something he knows he can’t have. Time cannot go backwards; wrongdoings cannot be reversed. Still, Kurogane prays. He has prayed all his life, prayed to gods that he hoped would hear him. He’s made a life from it, a quaint life as a priest of a small shrine. 

Now, he feels as though he’s betraying his entire upbringing as he prays to a different set of gods. He prays for something forbidden, and so he must pray to gods that will listen to his temptations and let him revel in them, rather than bury them inside the deepest crevices of his heart.

He prays. Even if it means the eternal damnation of his soul, of selling it to a demon, to an evil god, he prays.

When the prayer finishes, he sits in silence, ashamed of himself. He knows better. He is a strong man, a wholesome priest. Yet fleeting memories of crystalline blue eyes and a smile like the sun makes him weak.

He is only a man, he reminds himself. The gods will forgive him if he understands his mistakes, and he does. He does, because despite pouring every bit of his heart into that prayer, things do not change. He should have known better, should have continued to trust in the gods that he has trusted in for so many years.

He can’t help it when he thinks that he only did it because those gods are the ones that didn’t listen to his initial prayers. They’re the ones that took away that which was most precious to him.

Before he can also feel ashamed for that thought, the candle flames snuff out. He’s plunged into darkness, he’s falling into it, being pulled down by unseen shadows that tug on his heart and mind.

He sees gold. He sees blue. He sees nothing at all and then he is back in his dark room, and there is a presence over his shoulder.

\--

Fate had an interesting way of pushing them together, as it literally dropped Fai onto Kurogane’s doorstep. 

He had been found tucked into the corner of the entrance to the shrine during a horrible storm, cold and starving. Kurogane’s mother found him and tended to him as if he were a stray animal. Kurogane had been weary of him. There was something that radiated from him, some energy or aura that Kurogane couldn’t place. His mother had felt it too, had pulled Kurogane to the side and told him that she felt something powerful within the boy.

Kurogane had told his mother to let him find his own way. Kurogane’s mother reminded him that the shrine is a sanctuary for any lost soul.

Despite his hesitancy, Kurogane knew it was wise to trust his mother. Fai was strange, all false smiles and laughs when he wasn’t off hiding somewhere. He was skin and bones, someone who went through something so terrible that he ran away with no resources. Kurogane didn’t know why he smiled so much when his eyes reflected a sadness deep within.

“You can go in, you know,” Were Kurogane’s first words to Fai, a week into Fai’s stay. He found the blond standing just outside of the shrine, arms crossed over his chest, looking up at the architecture, his lips pulled down in thought. Fai did that often, when he thought no one was looking, but he never stepped inside. Not even when he had been freezing to death in the rain.

Fai blinked and looked over at Kurogane. His eyes were strangely entrancing, blue like the ocean, the sky, the sapphire on his mother’s favorite ring. They were like crystals, shining and sparkling with the light. They were different, like nothing Kurogane had ever seen. They were a reflection of his power, Kurogane’s mother had told him, of the ancient magic he housed in his bones just like Kurogane’s eyes reflected the dragon’s blood that still flowed through his veins. Despite how different they were though, Kurogane liked seeing them. He liked it when Fai looked at him.

He shook the thought from his head and cursed himself silently.

Fai lowered his gaze, knitted his brows together, and smiled a wistful little smile. “A place like this is not for me,” He said, his voice soft between them. 

Kurogane quirked a brow. “And what is that supposed to mean?” He asked.

Fai’s smile fell, and he turned his face away from Kurogane. “It’s too pure and holy,” Fai all but whispered. “And I am anything but.”

Kurogane watched Fai for a long moment, then clicked his tongue and grabbed Fai by the wrist. Fai yelped and tried to push Kurogane’s hand away, but Kurogane was not having it. He pushed the doors open and dragged Fai into the shrine, ignoring the protests and shoves. He didn’t stop until they were standing in the middle of the shrine. Mid-day sun filtered through the windows, settling a hazy filter over the two of them. It felt like a different world within the shrine, a quiet world that smelled of old wood and parchment.

Kurogane dropped Fai’s hand and crossed his arms over his chest. Fai swallowed and hesitantly looked up and around him. There were unlit candles, an offering box, a small gong. Kurogane pointed forward, at the closed off area in front of them that opened to a short path to another, smaller building.

“That’s the _Honden,”_ He explained. “Only my mother can step inside there, since it’s where the Kami lives. This is the _Haiden_ and the main part of the shrine, where people can pray. They can leave coins in the offering box, if they want. Kids like to ring the gong. Outside is the _Ema,_ where you can write down your prayers and leave them for the gods to read.”

Fai looked troubled, but Kurogane was thankful that he wasn’t running out of the place. “Do you worship all the gods here?” Fai asked, his voice thin.

“Yeah,” Kurogane said with a shrug. “But every shrine is built to honor a specific Kami. Here, it’s Ginryuu, a great dragon that offers protection.”

Fai’s mouth opened and closed his mouth a few times as he fished for the right words to say. Finally, he looked back at the entrance and said, “Wasn’t I supposed to go through a purification before I came in here?”

“Uh…” Kurogane scratched the back of his head sheepishly. “Y-Yeah but… It’s not like you’ll be sent to hell just because you didn’t. It’s just washing your hands and clapping. I think you’ll be forgiven, especially since _I_ dragged you in here.”

Fai didn’t look very convinced though. He just frowned and averted his gaze. Kurogane sighed and lowered his hand from his neck. He wanted to flick away the furrow that grew between Fai’s brows, but instead he just knocked his knuckles against Fai’s head. Fai looked up at Kurogane, his expression caught between offended and confused.

“I don’t know why you seem to think you’re some horrible person,” Kurogane started, his voice softer than he meant for it to be. “But the gods are forgiving. Everyone sins, everyone does bad things from time to time, even if they’re good people. Maybe you did do something terrible, I don’t know. But your past doesn’t matter here. I don’t care, and the gods won’t either, as long as you do better in the future.”

Fai looked up at Kurogane and blinked, then turned to look around the shrine once more. He lowered his head, and after a beat, he looked back at Kurogane, a soft smile playing at his lips. “Thank you,” He said, his voice caressing the simple words like they’re a prayer themselves.

A smile. That was all it took. A true smile and sad eyes. Suddenly, Fai had found a place in Kurogane’s heart and had settled down there like he owned it.

Kurogane would come to realize soon that he did.

\--

The shrine is small, warm, welcoming. Not many people visit, usually just a few locals from the town nearby and passing visitors. They always worry about leaving sacrifices, but that is not what the gods want most though, Kurogane teaches. They only wish for their servants to live a pure life. The shrine exists for those who have lost their way to be guided back to the light path.

His mother had been the priestess of the shine before she passed. Kurogane had been raised training with his father, had grown up believing that he would become a fierce warrior that nobly protected princesses and innocents from thieves and bandits. His father was killed, and his mother begged him to not follow in his footsteps, for fear of losing her son, as well.

She grew ill and passed on some years ago, and Kurogane honored her wish and eventually took over her role. It is not a bad life; it is one of simplicity and peace. The memories held in the walls though, those can be fatal.

Kurogane sweeps the front steps and feels a shift in the air. The presence is familiar, but wrong. A perverted twist on something that used to be so pure and good. It isn’t the first time Kurogane has felt it, and it won’t be the last, not after the night he gave up on himself and begged for something that the gods could not provide. 

“Dressed so simply, for a priest,” Comes the familiar voice.

“I’m only a man,” Kurogane says. “No need for me to dress like I am anything more than that. Now leave me be.”

The voice hums. “Don’t be so mean to me, Kuro-sama. I’m only bored and want to play.”

“Find another poor soul then,” Kurogane replies. The bickering feels almost natural, like something he’s done a million times before. Only he has done it a million and one times, just not like this.

Hands slip over his shoulders, cold and pale, slender and comforting. Kurogane stills, clenches his fists tighter around the broomstick. “Why would I do that? I only want you, Kuro-sama,” The voice says into his ear.

Kurogane pushes the arms away, turns on the intruder. He’s seen that smile, that hair, those eyes so many times he couldn’t possibly try to count. Now when he sees it, it is like his breath is punched out of him. He could fall for it so easily, if he let himself. He can’t though, he must be strong.

“I’m tired of this,” Kurogane almost growls as he narrows his eyes. “Leave me be, _demon._ I don’t want you here.”

The thing in front of him, the thing that looks just like Fai, that is Fai in everything but spirit, quirks a brow. “You are the one that asked me to come, Kuro-sama,” He says.

“Not you,” Kurogane bites out. “I prayed for Fai.”

Blue eyes blink, Fai’s eyes blink, then Fai smiles that smile that has Kurogane’s heart flipping, even now. “But I’m right here, Kuro-sama,” He says softly, stepping down to the step Kurogane is standing on so they can be chest to chest. He’s warm. Kurogane wonders if he could feel a heartbeat if he closed the distance between them.

“You’re _not,”_ Kurogane says, like he’s choking on the words. It pains him to say it, but it’s the truth, and it’s his own fault. “You’re just a...”

“I’m Fai,” Fai insists, putting a hand on Kurogane’s jaw. “Your Fai. The same one that has always been by your side. Don’t push me away so easily, please.”

“You’re not,” Kurogane repeats, louder this time. He grasps the hand against his jaw but does not let it go. “Because Fai is…”

The ring on Kurogane’s finger glimmers in the sunlight.

_Because Fai is…_

\--

They shared many kisses, more than they could ever possibly know. Their sweet words could not be counted, their loving glances or every touch of the hand like second nature to them. Their love couldn’t be measured; it couldn’t even be estimated. They both knew, they both felt it.

Still, Kurogane’s heart did strange things when he was reminded of the love Fai felt for him. When he received one of those kisses, one of those touches, one of those looks with some of those words. 

Fai sat on his stomach, propped on his elbows. He had one hand laying on Kurogane’s chest, and Kurogane didn’t mind it one bit, even though Fai’s fingers were always cold. Kurogane’s hand carded through Fai’s hair where it hung over his shoulder.

“I love you so much, Kuro-sama,” Fai said suddenly, his voice low and as lazy sounding as his smile looked. Kurogane raised a brow and Fai nodded. “I know, strange, isn’t it?” He teased.

Kurogane snorted and shook his head. “You’re an idiot,” He said, the words holding more affection than anything else.

Fai grinned. “Some things never change,” He said. He tilted his head, more hair spilling over his shoulder. “It’s true. When I’m with you, I still feel like that boy your mother took in. I feel young again.”

Kurogane tugged on a lock of hair. “You’re not that old,” He mumbled as he regarded Fai. “I need to cut your hair.”

Fai hummed and lifted a hand to run through the strands. “I rather like it long, don’t you?”

“Gives me something to pull on when you’re being an idiot,” Kurogane said, and then he laughed when Fai slapped his chest. They sent a few more jokes back and forth, laughing and rolling around in their futon together like children. 

They ended up breathless and with Fai on his back, Kurogane looking down at him. Fai smiled and reached his hands out, beckoning Kurogane towards him. Like a soul bewitched, Kurogane listened without hesitance. Fai kissed him once, and then laid Kurogane down beside him, resting Kurogane’s head on his chest. Kurogane listened to the heartbeat there, steady and strong, and shut his eyes when blunt nails began scratching his back lightly.

“I mean it,” Fai said quietly. “No matter how much time passes, I’m always yours.”

Kurogane smiled and nodded. “Me too. Even when you’re being an idiot.”

The sharp pinch into the meat of his shoulder was well deserved.

\--

Kurogane steps out from the _Honden_ and finds Fai standing on the path between it and the _Haiden,_ leaning against the wall of the shrine. Fai tucks a piece of hair behind his ear and smiles, and Kurogane almost feels sick. He regards the man, the demon, the evil god, whatever he may be, and narrows his eyes. Fai just continues to smile.

“You were in there a while,” Fai says. “I waited for a long time.”

“You could have just snuck up on me like you always do,” Kurogane murmurs as he walks past Fai and around the shrine. He saw some visitors step into the _Haiden_ earlier, and he does not want to disturb them.

“Ordinary folks aren’t allowed in the _Honden,”_ Fai says, and Kurogane feels something tight clench around his heart because even the accent in the same. “You taught me that, Kuro-sama.”

Kurogane stops at that, like a rope has been tied around his heart and has yanked him to a halt. He doesn’t turn to look at those eyes. “You could have gone in,” Kurogane says quietly. “If you were really him.”

He hears the crunch of the gravel as Fai steps closer, feels his presence behind him. “I was never a priest,” Fai says quietly. “I never went through the rituals.”

Kurogane clenches his fists, because he knows it’s true. Fai was never a priest, but… But Kurogane can still remember the nights that Fai took vigil just outside the _Honden,_ praying fervently when Kurogane’s mother grew ill. He can still remember the bang of the doors flying open, opening themselves to Fai. He can still remember Fai, stumbling out of the _Honden,_ exhausted and hungry after three days of praying without pause.

It didn’t help any. The Kami let Fai in, listened to his prayers, but did nothing to help Kurogane’s mother.

“He could,” Kurogane repeats, and he can’t help the slight tremble in his voice.

There’s a hand that covers his, and Kurogane’s fists loosen. Slender fingers weave between his and squeeze. “Kuro-sama,” Comes that voice. He turns into it, despite himself. “I’m right here, just like you wanted. I came, just like you asked.”

Kurogane raises his eyes and looks at the Fai in front of him. He’s frowning, his brows turned down and his eyes so sad. So like Fai. His eyes were always so expressive, even when he wanted to hide. For every cheery smile Fai gave, his eyes always gave him away.

“I wish you were,” He says, and the hand that lands on his cheek is almost comforting. He knows exactly what this image of Fai is doing. A soul cannot be stolen; it must be given willingly. If he let himself grow weaker, he could give into it. He could fall into those hands, those arms, those eyes without fear and live there forever. He’s stronger than that though. He _must_ be stronger than that.

Fai just smiles, and leans up to kiss at the corner of Kurogane’s lips.

Kurogane does not stop him.

\--

“Kuro-sama.”

“Hmm?”

“…Ku-ro-sa- _maaaaaa.”_

“What?!”

At Kurogane turning his full attention on him, Fai grinned. He was sprawled across their futon like a lazy cat soaking up the sunlight in a midday nap. His skin was ashy and his eyes sunken in, the remnants of a horrible flu that was still leaving his system. His voice was scratchy when he laughed at Kurogane’s glare.

“We should go to the market,” Fai said, and Kurogane furrowed his brows.

“No way in hell,” Kurogane said, turning back to study over his book of prayers. “You’re still recovering.”

Fai hummed in thought and flopped over onto his back. “You could carry me there.”

Kurogane stood and stomped over to Fai, knelt beside him, and put the back of his hand on Fai’s forehead. Fai blinked and looked up at Kurogane, quirking up a brow and pursing his lips in confusion. “Uh, Kuro-sama, what are you doing?” Fai mumbled.

“Just checking to see if you still have a fever since you’re _obviously_ delirious if you think I’ll carry you down and back up five hundred steps,” Kurogane answered, and Fai shoved his hand away with a huff.

Fai sighed and pouted, stared up at the ceiling as Kurogane sat on the floor beside him. “I’m bored. I hate being stuck here.”

“Just focus on getting better,” Kurogane said, his voice softer than he intended. It made Fai look at him though, distracted him from thoughts of running around the nearby town.

If anyone had told Kurogane he’d outlive Fai when they first met, he would have laughed in their face. Fai was healthy and powerful, his body housing ancient magic of the gods that could hardly be understood but that made him more fit for the position of priest than Kurogane could have ever hoped to be. Kurogane’s mother had taken him under her wing before she passed, had helped him learn the ancient prayers and texts so that he could be her successor. Kurogane had been happy to step aside for him, had been happy to stay up with Fai and help him study night after night.

Now though, the thought lurked in Kurogane’s mind like an unwelcome guest. The knowledge that Fai was ill, that his body was growing weaker with each passing day. He got sick easily and frequently as a result, frightening illnesses, the worst of which left him weak and bed ridden for two weeks. The fear that eventually Fai’s body would be too weak to fight back and would succumb to one of those sicknesses lived in Kurogane’s heart.

The knowledge of it hung over them heavily, like a horrible omen.

Kurogane hadn’t realized he was cradling Fai’s head until Fai reached up and held his wrist, smiling up at him. Fai moved to a sitting position and held Kurogane’s hand in his lap, running his thumb over Kurogane’s knuckles absentmindedly.

“I know you’re worried,” Fai said, quietly. “I am too. But I’m okay, Kuro-sama.”

Kurogane swallowed and just nodded. He knew that if he opened his mouth to speak, his words would betray him. That he would tell Fai that no, he isn’t okay, and he wouldn’t be getting any better. Kurogane didn’t want to speak such things aloud, so he kept his mouth clamped shut. Fai smiled and leaned in close, brushing their lips together in a chaste kiss.

“Shall we take a walk? See if there are any visitors in the shrine today?” Fai asked, and Kurogane, again, simply nodded.

\--

Kurogane sits by the hearth, but he hardly feels its warmth. The days are bleeding together into weeks, months. It is already growing cold again, soon it will be just as cold as the night he made his mistake. He wonders if it will snow much this year.

Fai sits beside him, staring into the fire. He leans into Kurogane’s side and rests his head on Kurogane’s shoulder. Kurogane is too exhausted to stop him. Kurogane just stares into the fire as well, tries to find something within the flames. All he sees is heat.

“Don’t you ever grow tired of this place?” Fai asks softly, his voice breaking the almost peaceful silence between them. “Tired of being alone here?”

“I’m not alone,” Kurogane responds. “You won’t leave me alone.”

“You could leave this place,” Fai whispers, his hand sliding across Kurogane’s chest. “You could be with me, you could join me and—“

Kurogane stands abruptly and glares down at Fai. He looks right into those deep blue eyes and glowers, his jaw tight, his nails biting into his palms. Fai does not look frightened or even mildly surprised. He just looks up at Kurogane calmly, like nothing at all is wrong. It only makes Kurogane angrier.

“Enough,” He growls. “Fai is _gone,_ and he would never ask me to do—that. You’re not as good at pretending as you think you are, and I’m tired of entertaining you. Begone, demon.”

Blue eyes blink, and thin lips quirk up into a smile. “’Begone?’” He repeats, almost to himself. He pushes himself up slowly, stands before Kurogane but keeps the distance between them. There’s something different lurking behind his eyes. Something uneasy. “Kuro-sama, you—“

“Stop calling me that,” Kurogane says through tight teeth. “Stop pretending, stop this façade and leave me alone. I made a mistake that night and I don’t—I won’t… You are not welcome here.”

A long beat of silence stretches between them. Fai tilts his head, his hair falling over his shoulder like it always did before. “You’re a smart man, Kurogane of Suwa,” He says, and the room suddenly feels ice cold, as cold as his voice. “You are well studied in the realms beyond this one. You know exactly what to do to be rid of me, it’s in that book of yours. You could make me leave, right now.”

Kurogane swallows thickly. Blood is rushing in his ears and he doesn’t know what he feels. Angry, yes, as well as hopeless because the imposter is correct. Kurogane could have found a way to rid himself of this lurking presence some time ago. Deep down, Kurogane likes seeing him though. He likes seeing those eyes turned on him, he likes hearing that voice laughing again, he likes being with Fai. Covering that longing is a thick layer of guilt.

As if able to read his thoughts, Fai’s expression softens, the darkness in his eyes lifting. He smiles gently and steps forward. “You don’t want to though, do you?” He asks. “You tell me how you want me to leave, but you do not push me away. You _want_ me here. That’s why you wished for me to come back. That’s why you read over that spell so many times that you memorized it. You wanted me here, with you again.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Kurogane says, unable to look into those eyes any longer. “I didn’t know—I thought…”

“It’s okay,” Fai coos, his fingers caressing Kurogane’s jaw lightly. “You don’t have to be so strong all the time, Kuro-sama. You don’t have to fight anymore; I’m right here now, just like you wanted.”

“You’re not,” Kurogane says, despite wanting to fall into the illusion so deeply.

Fai just steps closer, until their chest to chest. “I am. All those years we spent together, all of those memories, they’re _mine._ They live here, in my heart. Like the time you took me to the lake for the first time and you let me dunk you into the water. Or when your mother first sat me down to teach me the sacred prayers, or when I woke up from that horrible nightmare and you kissed me for the first time. It’s all here.”

“It isn’t real,” Kurogane breathes, his resolve thinning as he remembers. “Nothing is the same.”

“Many things change, and will continue to change,” Fai tells him. “But my feelings for you never will.”

Kurogane kisses him.

His heart squeezes and screams. He knows it’s wrong. He knows it isn’t Fai, only an illusion meant to appeal to him, meant to pull him down, _down,_ until his spirit is broken and he gives his soul up to it forever. He knows that he can never get Fai back, that Fai is gone, just like his mother and father.

His heart breaks as hands land on his neck, as Fai kisses back. It feels so right, so much like those countless kisses they shared before.

He knows it’s wrong, and he apologizes to Fai for being a weak man.

\--

Fai lied still on their futon, stared out the window at the softly falling snow. Kurogane sat beside him, his hand over Fai’s. Fai blinked slowly and smiled.

“I told you I came from a cold country, right?” Fai asked, his voice weak, trembling, and hoarse.

Kurogane nodded. “Yeah. Celes.”

Kurogane thought of the stories Fai had told them, the ones that had come out slowly over their time together. The story of Fai, being treated as though he were a witch or a demon due to his beautiful eyes that spoke of latent powers. Misfortunes in the country were blamed on him, they even tried to kill him, thinking that sacrificing him would appease the god they worshipped. He managed to escape and travel to Nihon, where he wandered for years before stumbling half-dead onto Kurogane’s doorstep.

It was a sad story, one that made Kurogane’s heart clench in pain every time he thought of it. It was Fai’s story though, and Kurogane was proud of how far Fai had come in their time together.

Kurogane pushed Fai’s hair back from his face and Fai shut his eyes and hummed in contentment. Kurogane swallowed thickly and forced himself to take a trembling breath in, then out, repeat. There was something in the back of his mind, a needle that kept stabbing at his heart, a quiet voice that told him that this was it. Fai would be gone by morning.

“Kuro-sama,” Fai said, opening his eyes to look at Kurogane with cloudy eyes. “Can you make me a promise?”

“Anything,” Kurogane said without hesitation.

Fai smiled. “Promise you’ll die old?”

Kurogane blinked and furrowed his brows, squeezed Fai’s hand. _“…What?”_

“Promise you’ll live a long life,” Fai continued. His eyes looked clearer now, warmer. “For me?”

Kurogane swallowed the lump in his throat and hung his head. Tears swam in his eyes. When was the last time he had cried? After his mother had died, he thought. Through Fai’s illness, he had kept himself composed, strong. He had to, for Fai. 

A hand landed on his cheek and his tears fell, dripping over fingers as pale and as cold as snow. His breath left him in a shudder, and he curled his shoulders in, closer to Fai, shielding him from something unknown.

“It’s okay,” Fai said quietly. “Souls always find a way back to each other… right?”

Kurogane nodded, unable to do or say anything else. Fai’s hand slipped from Kurogane’s cheek, and Kurogane opened his eyes to look down at Fai, blinking away any tears so that he could see Fai clearly. Fai let out a long breath and shut his eyes. Kurogane leaned just a bit closer, and Fai cracked his eyes open, just a sliver of blue peeking up at Kurogane.

“I’m just going to sleep,” Fai murmured. “I’m tired.”

A vice clamped tightly around Kurogane’s heart. He wanted to shake his head, he wanted to tell Fai to stay awake, to never shut his eyes, to never leave him. He wanted to tell Fai many things, but most of them were empty wishes that he knew couldn’t be fulfilled. Instead, he just nodded and took Fai’s hand in both of his.

“Sleep,” Kurogane said with a broken voice. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Fai smiled tiredly and brought Kurogane’s hands to his lips to kiss. He looked up at Kurogane one last time.

Then, he shut his eyes to rest.

\--

Kurogane sits outside the shrine, along the same steps he found Fai curled up against. It’s cold, but he hardly feels the chill. He sits with a small book in his hand and moonlight shining over him and his usual guest at his side. He lets out a long breath and shuts his eyes. Fai had always loved the sky, had loved just how open and free it was. He loved the night sky the most, especially where the shrine sat. It gave a clear view of the stars.

The memory has something twisting painfully in Kurogane’s chest. He opens his eyes and looks down at the book he’s holding, running his thumb over the spine again and again.

“You don’t have to hide it, Kuro-sama,” Fai says beside him. “I know you want to be with me.”

Kurogane smiles, a small wistful smile. “I’m not hiding anything. I do want to be with you.”

Fai frowns and puts his hand over Kurogane’s, stops the movement of Kurogane’s thumb. “Then come with me. You don’t have to wait all alone, you can be with me now.”

“I’d die,” Kurogane says. It isn’t a question, because he knows he’s stating a fact.

“You’d be with me,” Fai reiterates, leaning in closer. He looks up at Kurogane with big eyes, eyes like crystals, like ice. They shimmer under the moonlight.

“And you’re… _He’s_ dead,” Kurogane says. He looks over at Fai and reaches his hand up to caress Fai’s cheek. Fai leans into it and smiles up at him, so loving and beautiful. “I can’t have him back. Not for anything. Not yet.”

Fai takes hold of the hand against his cheek and turns his head to kiss at the skin of Kurogane’s palm. “I love you,” He whispers, and Kurogane’s eyes widen at the break in his voice. “My heart breaks for you. I only want you to be happy, but I’ve taken that from you. I wish we could be together again.”

Kurogane swallows thickly and shuts his eyes. He can’t stand that look in Fai’s eyes. “I do too,” He says tightly. “But I can’t. I won’t. I promised.”

Fai lowers his eyes and nods. “So, you’ve decided to say goodbye?” He asks. A beat passes. “Again?”

That pain twists in his chest again, and Kurogane nods. “For the last time,” He says as he opens the book in his hand to the bookmarked prayer. “Until we can meet again properly.”

Fai smiles, leans up and presses a kiss to the corner of Kurogane’s lips. “I’ll wait for you.”

“I know,” Kurogane replies.

Saying the prayer is difficult. Praying for Fai to return was easy, it fell from his lips as simply as the kisses he shared with Fai time and time again. Praying for Fai to leave is like prying open an almost healed wound and watching the blood flow freely again. Saying goodbye to Fai again, illusion or not, feels like he truly has given his soul up to be consumed.

The presence beside him begins to fade as he finishes the prayer. The words cease and the solid weight under his palm disappears, leaving him cold.

Only an illusion, he tells himself. Only a dark god playing tricks on his mind.

His heart still breaks the same.

\--

Fai stood and spread his arms out, opened up to the breeze that played with the ends of his hair. He sighed and shut his eyes, tilted his head back and basked in the sunlight. He would probably be burned by nightfall, but it was worth it for the moment of warmth mixed with the mist of the water from the lake.

“When I die, I’m going to become a bird,” He said without looking at Kurogane, who was sitting spread out by his side, leaning back on his hands. “A little bird that can go wherever it wants.”

Kurogane raised a brow and tilted his head. “That’s a little morbid, don’t you think?”

Fai smiled and finally lowered his arms. He continued to stare out at the lake, at the birds flying in lazy circles above it. “Maybe,” He started. “But isn’t it something you’re curious about, too?”

“I don’t need to be curious,” Kurogane said. “The gods will save our souls and we’ll live eternity in peace. You know all that.”

“Yes, I do. But I don’t want to live eternity in peace quite yet,” Fai responded. “There’s still so much to do and to see here. I’d like to be able to experience it all, and the only way to do that is to be reborn.”

Kurogane thought for a moment and then shrugged. “I guess that’s true. I think I’d just want to be myself again if I were reborn, though.”

“That would be nice, too,” Fai said, his gaze growing soft. “But I’d like to be a bird, at least once. Flying through the sky, free to see any and everything. It sounds… Beautiful.”

He sat beside Kurogane and leaned against his side, shutting his eyes. “And we’d probably meet each other again, right?” Fai asked.

“How can I find you if you’re just a bird?” Kurogane asked.

Fai laughed softly and shook his head. “I’ll find you. I’ll bother you until you know it’s me. Does that work?”

Kurogane snorted and nodded. “Yeah, that’ll do just fine. Just don’t take too long, okay?”

Kurogane blinked when he felt a kiss against his cheek and looked at Fai, who simply sat and smiled at him. A moment passed between them, and Kurogane wrapped his arm around Fai’s shoulders and pressed a kiss to Fai’s forehead. Fai wrapped both arms around Kurogane’s middle and shut his eyes, his head falling to Kurogane’s shoulder.

They sat there until the sun began to set, and then they decided to sit there just a little while longer. Together.

\--

Kurogane stares down at the glass in his hand and the deep red wine it holds. He twirls the glass, watches the wine swirl, then takes a sip. He knows it tastes the same as it always has, but he can’t help the thought that it just isn’t as good when drinking alone. He shoves the thought away and takes another drink to wash away the bitter taste in his mouth. 

It begins snowing while he drinks through the night. He keeps his curtains open to watch the snowfall. The flakes are fat and fluffy, reflecting the moonlight and building in light layers on tree branches and the window ledge. Kurogane loses track of time as he watches, his wine forgotten, only knows how much has passed by him when he sees the first rays of the morning sun reflecting on the snow outside. 

He sighs and stands to begin getting ready for the day. Might as well get an early start, he supposes. He’ll have to brush the snow off of the steps, after all. He imagines that the only visitors today will be children that want to play in the snow, however. Maybe he’ll join them, he thinks.

Fai had always loved playing in the snow, had been absolutely thrilled to join the kids in making snowballs to throw at Kurogane until Kurogane joined in himself. The memory pulls at something in Kurogane’s heart, but also has him smiling.

_Tap, tap, tap._

He pauses in his morning routine and turns. The snow has stopped falling outside, the clouds clearing to show the bright blue sky. Sitting in the line of sunlight at the window is a bluebird. It’s sitting half in the piled snow, its feathers fluffed up. Its small beak taps at the window again.

Kurogane regards it for a long while, his brows knitting together. Almost all of the birds have flown south. Only the ravens have stayed behind to brave the cold. The bluebird tilts its head.

_Tap, tap, tap._

Kurogane steps forward slowly, his feet dragging like he’s chained down by the ankles. He stops in front of the window and kneels in front of it, looks at the little bluebird with some sort of reverence that he cannot place. The bird just stares back. It fluffs its feathers again, displaces some of the snow around it.

He knows it’s simply a coincidence. Just a little bluebird that got left behind and is trying to find some warmth in the cold winter. He knows, he knows, he _knows,_ and yet—

“Fai?” He whispers, leaning closer to the window.

The bird tilts its little head.

Kurogane swallows and reaches up to open the window. Snow falls in and lands over his toes. At the movement, the bird spreads its wings and takes flight. Kurogane watches with wide eyes as it grows farther and farther away, lifts higher and higher into the air. It turns and flies away, off into the bright blue sky and Kurogane watches until it is too far to see anymore.

Cold stings Kurogane’s eyes and he blinks and lowers his gaze. He looks at the little print left behind in the snow at the window, the spot where the little bluebird had been sitting. He looks out into the fresh snow that sits just outside, mostly undisturbed except for a few unexplained marks that look almost like footprints, starting from the tree and leading up to the window. Kurogane’s heart leaps.

He thinks of that day, all those years ago. He thinks of the strange boy his mother found on their doorstep. He thinks of sad eyes that look like sapphires, he thinks of a beautiful smile, of corn silk hair, of outstretched arms and of love. Everything found and offered to Kurogane like a precious gift thanks to his mother, taking that boy in.

Kurogane shuts his eyes and shakes his head. He leaves the window open, just in case the bluebird returns, just in case it needs a new place to call home, and prepares for the day ahead.


End file.
